Leaving

Leaving is hard, it always is.

I used to wonder:

Is it harder to leave or to be left behind?

Now, I know. When you're left behind, you're only saying goodbye to one person you care about. When you're leaving, you're saying goodbye to everyone you care about.
There's the uncertainty of not knowing if you'll re-gain everything you left behind.

I never knew that leaving could be so hard until it was my turn to say goodbye to everyone and everything I had. As I hugged my parents at the airport last year, they squeezed my shoulders and forced a smile, while their watery eyes pleaded silently: promise us you'll take care of yourself. 


I forced a reassuring smile and told them not to worry. I stepped onto the escalator and it led me further away from them. They gazed at me from the balcony of the departure floor, along with my other friends who'd arrived to say farewell. Everyone was waving and smiling, so I waved and smiled.

I tried to be strong. I made it all the way through the customs and onto the first plane out of the country. And then, I felt it.

That void inside of me... as though someone had ripped my heart out and tossed it somewhere out of reach.
My heart still belonged with everyone in Malaysia, with my family and friends, with my beloved home.

Leaving is tough, especially when you don't know when you're coming back.
Like now.