Growing Up

While I was clearing out my drawers, I stumbled upon an essay I wrote for an exam 2 years ago when I was in high school. The topic given was "Three Fears In My Life". My first fear was slimy creatures (frogs, worms, etc). My second fear was death, the kind that concerns my loved ones. And my final one was growing up. Here's a short paragraph of what I wrote:

I fear growing up without a sense of direction in my life. There are times that I wished time would stop at this age because everything seems so right. I am sixteen; I do not have major things to worry about like SPM, financial problems, women aging crisis. Life is easy the way it is now. I know that growing up is something unavoidable, and whether I like it or not, I would have to move on. There will be new challenges to face, new people to meet and a fresh variety of decisions to make. Things change over time, and that is all just part of growing up. I just hope that when the time comes, I will know what to do.

I've learned to accept changes as a part of life. I understand that nothing remains the same forever. We don't live in a fairytale world, so we can't always have everything we wish for. Although there's always this flicker of hope that tells me I could have what I wanted if only I tried hard enough. Or if I waited patiently enough.

I've always feared wrong decisions. Some decisions can change your life, like choosing a university, or a particular field of study. Before I even started thinking, I had started worrying.
"Am I gonna be good at this? Is this place gonna be okay? Will my scores me good enough to get me in? What if I can't decide on time? What if I pick the wrong pathway? What if I change my mind halfway?"

Call me paranoid. My parents told me I was putting unnecessary pressure on myself. I didn't believe them. I thought they didn't understand why I was worrying; or why I always wanted everything to be perfect. My friends said I should just "chill and take things easy". In my mind, I felt that these people didn't understand my dilemma. Here I was, raveling back and forth between several options and I still hadn't achieved a definite conclusion. Time was running out. And I was tired. I was tired of running around the whole time and yet not having reached my destination.

Then someone reminded me that this was all part of the "growing up" part. You're faced with challenges all the time. So what's the best thing to do? His answer was simple:

Just go with the flow.

Five simple words that carried more action than thinking. Worry less; live more. That's the best thing to do. So I made up my mind; I'd just go with whatever feels right.

Whatever's meant to happen shall happen. All this while, I've been the one chasing decisions. Maybe it's time to take the backseat for now, and let the decisions come to me.