The Price of New York

Hello. I've lived in New York for three months now. Contrary to popular belief, New York isn't just a big city; it's a world that dances to its own rhythm, a twisted cacophony punctuated by blaring sirens.

It's a concrete jungle crafted for the strongest individuals. For most people, every day is a selfish race for survival. I'm saddened by the escalating amount of homeless and crazy people in this city. New York is densely overpopulated and many are getting laid off due to the dip in economy. Some of them force themselves to rise up and try again, while others turn to the streets and put their lives at mercy of strangers' feet. And the worst part? People have seen too much, they actually find comfort in turning a blind eye to the misery that revolves around them. So they avoid it altogether like a disease.

In a city that functions on a meticulous schedule, time is extremely precious. Every minute counts. People zip through crowds and race down flights of stairs just so they can catch the 6PM train because the next train will cost them 5 more minutes of mindless waiting. Missing one train means missing the next bus or the next train, and it's usually a problem when you're riding on someone else's time. It's a domino effect.

It still feels like yesterday when I blogged about moving to this city. I remember the anxiety that lingered for weeks when I moved here. Despite shifting into my new cozy apartment in Queens and settling into the neighborhood, I didn't feel totally at ease until mid-March. I guess you could say I was homesick for quite a while.

Transitioning to a new city isn't the same as transferring to a new school, like when I arrived in America two and a half years ago as a foreign transfer student and I was automatically enrolled in classes that kept me busy. Needless to say, student life was much easier. Despite my frequent complaints regarding deadlines, intense workloads and noisy neighbors, my main goal was pretty easy: study hard, ace my classes and graduate.

My goal in New York was different. I was no longer a student at a university, but a fresh graduate with minimal experience in my field (only a few internships riding on my back) trying to break into one of the most competitive industries in the country. The main reason I came to New York was to score a job or an internship that aligned with the requirements of my work visa. (lots of legal properties to consider when you're an international student here)

The comfortable carpet was pulled from beneath my feet, and I found myself in a foreign city that seemed so much bigger and scarier. I thought going to a foreign country for school was a step into the real world. Well, technically it was, since I was brushing new grounds with fresh feet that hadn't traveled this far. Soon I began to understand what it meant to be in the "real world."

They say that in the real world, people are mean, money doesn't come easy and you have to fend for yourself because no one is going to watch your back for you. New York is the real world. It was here that I learned to tap into the real essence of independence.

I didn't have an adviser to sit down with me and give me advice on what to do and how to get there, unlike in college. On the bright side, God was good. He sent people I could turn to for help when needed, but for the most part, I was pretty much on my own in this new journey as I struggled to establish my balance in the buzz of this big city.

Speaking to several people in New York, I noticed a pattern rising through their stories. Each of them was drawn to this city for the energy and enthusiasm that New York had to offer. Everyone wanted a taste of the Big Apple. I saw a little bit of myself in them, and a little bit of them in me. Although we had different career priorities, we weren't very much different at all. At the end of the day, we came to New York for similar reasons: we were soaked up with the perks of this city before we even moved here. We brought fresh determinism to the table, thinking our willpower was strong enough to get us through the toughest times.

But living in New York comes at a price, and it's not just the expensive rent and living expenses.

Chelsea* was a model from Seattle who moved to New York three weeks ago because she scored a deal with a modeling agency here. She was housed in a models' apartment, and based on the way she described it (six girls in a one-bedroom apartment), it didn't seem very exciting. Unless you're hooked up with the right connections, modeling isn't as glamorous as the media paints it to be, especially when you're a new model trying to break into the NYC scene. You're up against, say, a million other girls as good as you, all vying for the same dream.

Weri* came about three years ago, but still struggles in the friendship department. Nobody really has the time to chat. Nobody really wants to. You go to a cafe, you get your coffee and isolate yourself in a corner. You could try to start a conversation on a crowded subway, but it'd be tough finding someone who cares. Everyone's a skeptic and will judge you for being too friendly. So when it comes to mingling, you have to choose the right place, time and person for that. And frankly, not everyone has the time to cultivate a friendship while riding on a subway. It's funny how you can be in one of the most populated cities in the world, and still feel all alone. That being said, New York is a society structured on individualism.

They tasted the Big Apple and realized it wasn't as sweet as they'd hoped it would be. It was more bitter than they imagined. The only reason they haven't moved elsewhere is because they like the lifestyle and the liberty that New York accentuates. It's the reason they came, and it's the reason they stayed.

New York is easily admired for everything the movies and novels depict it to be - a vibrant world of swirling colors, built on high culture and high fashion, polished with an endless array of shops and restaurants and exploding with so much talent and creativity. To a large extent, yes, it's fair to say that New York fits the profile of a great metropolis.

But it's not perfect. The way I see it, New York is shaped by its imperfections. Grungy subways. Impatient New Yorkers. Competitive minds. Rude (and I mean, really rude) vendors. Nowhere is ever perfect - every gorgeous city comes with a price and sometimes that price may be heftier than you think. For Weri, it came at the cost of a social life. For Chelsea, it nicked at her self-esteem.

But there is no place like New York, and that's what this city prides itself on. Dreams are fashioned long before the dreamers set foot in New York, and this boom town is the machine that churns most dreams into reality. You just have to let it happen.

Stanley* has lived here for more than a year, and he shared some of his experiences with me two weeks ago. I'll never forget what he said:

 "You might reach a point when you feel like everything's just falling apart and you're hitting rock bottom. It's okay, this city does that to people. It makes you feel like crap sometimes, and you start to question what you're doing here and whether you should stay. At that point, you might even be tempted to pack up and leave. Many people give up and just leave because it's so much easier that way. But if you just learn to hang in there, it'll get better. Things will pick up, and before you know it, the rough patch will smooth out. You'll have a new sense of love and appreciation for the city, more than you did when you first started out."

He's right.

My perception of New York hasn't changed too much. I still think it's a wonderful city bursting at the seams with so much life and culture. It's a fascinating place to be in. It's one of a kind.

I'll admit there are days when I feel trapped in this crazy cycle and I worry if I made the right choice coming here. I love the city, but I have to commute 45 minutes to work, and when I get out of the office I'm exhausted and just ready to go home. It's a routine that repeats itself every single day (except Wednesdays, that's when I'm off). I just feel physically and emotionally drained half the time. I wish there was an instant remedy for that.

If you asked me whether my move to New York was worth it, I'd still say yes. I'm gaining a deeper sense of independence each day, a trait I'm actually proud of because my timid self never thought I'd make it on my own. I'm trying to grow through the tough times and I'm cherishing the good ones. After all, nothing comes easy. And the only way to grow is through experience and time.

If I could go back in time and change the course of things, I'd still choose to come here. There are a lot of things I regret in life, but moving to New York (as outlandish as it seemed back then) certainly isn't one of them. It's the one crazy thing I'm glad I did!

Fortunate to Fly

I had the privilege to travel the west coast with my family. In December, they flew to the States for my graduation and the day after my graduation, we hopped on the plane to Los Angeles and stayed there for 4 days before moving on to San Francisco. From San Francisco, we made a quick trip to Las Vegas. In Vegas, we boarded a tour bus to the Grand Canyon in Arizona, then headed back to Vegas, and the next evening, flew back to San Francisco. Our long, adventure-filled family holiday came to an end yesterday. They're currently on their way home to Malaysia as I'm writing this. I came back to Arkansas last night and am thankful to be staying with the Neals, my second family.

 It wasn't easy saying goodbye to my family, after all the great times we'd shared together throughout those fun-filled weeks of traveling. The last time I'd seen them was in the summer of 2011, when I flew back to Malaysia for three months before returning to Arkansas to finish my final year of college. The first time I flew to the States was 2010, and that was really hard for me because I didn't want to say goodbye to them. I'd grown up under the shelter of my parents' wings for a long time. I depended on them for strength and wisdom. They were my mentors; they nurtured me and guided me through every moment in life.

So leaving my home and my family behind was a terribly painful thing to do - not only was I afraid, I was uncertain that I'd be fine on my own. They were concerned for me too. Of course, the first few months by myself in a foreign country wasn't totally easy, but as time went by, I got accustomed to the new culture and learned to adapt to my surroundings. I also learned to step out of my shell and embrace the unknown. I still depended on my parents for support, but I soon realized I was able to make big decisions on my own and rely on my judgment. I was able to handle important matters concerning myself without relying too much on my parents. 

I was becoming more independent, and I was proud of myself for this. The environment coaxed me out of my shell. I didn't think I was capable of it, but time proved me wrong. 

When I saw my family again in December, I was overwhelmed. I hadn't seen them in over a year. It was an emotional moment for all of us as we huddled together in a tight embrace, each of us trying to stifle our tears. I was able to feel the warmth of their hugs and smell their familiar scents on their shoulders. I didn't have to go home to feel at home - home had come to me.

 I remember hugging my mom at the airport, thinking how lucky I was to be able to hold her in my arms again and how I wish I didn't have to let go. I knew time was running out because in a couple of weeks, they'd be on the plane back to Malaysia and I'd be on my own again. 

During the trip, while they depended on me for navigating and organizing the trip, I depended on them for comfort and strength. Once again, I felt like that scared girl at the brink of leaving her home. I'd forgotten what it was like to trust my parents with the tough decisions. It was nice having them around as familiar pillars of strength.

 So when they left, I was hit with that same void of fear. Not knowing what my future would be like. Not knowing if I'd make the right decisions concerning my employment and living situation. Not knowing if I'd make it in the real world. Suddenly I wanted my parents to help me with the big decisions so I wouldn't have to make them myself. 

But I knew there was only so much they could do. The rest of it was up to me. It was my future, and I had to call the shots. Before they left, my dad told me, "No matter what happens. We will always support you."

Just two days ago, we were having breakfast together as a family at a Chinese restaurant in San Francisco. We joked around and talked about the rest of the plans for our final day in the city. And yesterday, I hugged them goodbye before watching them fade into the line of people at the security checkpoint. The moment I turned and walked away, I knew I was on my own again. I'm not sure when I'll see them again. It could be 6 months or longer. Maybe even a year.

I'm really grateful that my parents chose to support my decision to study in America. They released me into the realms of this country, one so far and different from the one I grew up in. By doing so, they allowed me to find my own wings. I'd been living under the comfort of their loving wings for so long that I never had to use my own. This discovery led to a fresh sense of determination and courage that fueled a lot of my decisions.

I was fine on my own and I will continue to be. I've graduated and now a whole new world awaits me. I haven't found a job yet, but I'll keep looking. I don't know where this new journey will take me, but I'll have to keep going to find out. 

It's time to lift those wings again and fly.

Happiness

Recently, my friend tweeted me saying:

"You're such a happy go lucky person, aren't you? How I wish I'm half of you!"

Gosh! :)  It's the coolest thing anyone's said to me all week. I'm really glad some people still see optimism in me. That tweet caught me by surprise, because honestly, optimism was the last thing on my mind when I struggled the last few weeks just to remain sane.

I was under so much stress - mostly self-imposed stress - that I was slipping away day by day until I became a shell without a soul, just a husk of who I used to be.

I wasn't sleeping well, and I had so many deadlines to meet all at once. On top of that, I was stressed about my job search and apartment hunting, and I was just feeling overwhelmed with everything that was going on. I also struggled with concentrating and remembering things.

People would ask me, "So what did you do today?" and instead of responding right away like a normal person, I would actually have to comb through my thoughts for 10 seconds to remember what I did, because half the time, I couldn't remember what I did. I was so distracted.

I didn't feel like myself. I lost the interest to communicate. I moved like a zombie. I became apathetic. I stopped caring. There were brief moments when I couldn't see the point in trying.

I was able to meet all my deadlines and perform well in classes, but I wasn't happy. I worked like a machine - I'd pour all my energy into my assignments, sacrificing sleep and free time, and whenever I had a couple hours to relax, guilt would creep into my conscience for watching TV or just "chilling." At the back of my mind, I still had a long list of things to do, and I kept telling myself I was wasting precious time on pointless activities. I had a chat with my mom yesterday and she told me I was pushing myself too hard. She wasn't the first to say it. See, I didn't understand why people were always telling me that. But now I do.

Everything was taking a toll on me physically, emotionally and socially. Happiness slowly became an illusion. I immersed myself in TV shows, food, shopping because they made me forget about my problems for a while, but that was what they were: temporary.

Thankfully, one morning I woke up and realized that happiness - true happiness - can't be chased. It has to be created. And we're capable of creating our own happiness because all of us have it in ourselves, we just need to discover it.  Sometimes, we forget about it when things get rough. We forget what it feels like to be genuinely happy, to laugh without holding back and to dance in the rain.

If not for the constant support of my loved ones and His grace in my life, I would still be stuck in that dark hole. I began to see that it doesn't take much to be really happy. Happiness is a choice. As cheesy as it sounds, it's true. It's all about counting your blessings.

When life gets hard, count your blessings. Think of all the people who have your back. Think of all the things that made you smile this week - even little things. Think of where you were 5 years ago and how you have grown. Think of how far you've come in life, think of all the people you've met, think of all the opportunities you've been given.

Listen to the slow rhythm of your breathing, and rejoice in the truth that you've been given another day to cherish and live the one life you were blessed with.

Moments

"It is the sense in every moment, that excitements fade, that everything moves on, that even the epiphanies and discoveries that seemed so exhilarating yesterday will soon be forgotten as the world flows on. You can't hold on to anything." -Peter Matthiessen, author of The Snow Leopard-

Memories are moments, moments are fragments of time, and time is fleeting.

The joy you experience today may decline into a strange sense of void the next day. It's really hard to hang on to the best moments in life. Even pictures and videos - the most powerful tools to capture special moments - fail to bring back the exact emotions you felt at the time the photo/video was taken. You may experience a slight tinge of happiness or nostalgia, but you won't feel the excitement from blowing off the candles on your 12th birthday, or the adrenaline rush when you passed your driver's test.

This is exactly why people say, "Cherish the good times." It's like a tape on replay; reminding you to constantly live in the present and enjoy the good moments because "good moments are hard to come by."

But no matter how hard we try to hold on to a good moment, it always manages to slip right out of our grip as time passes. Just as quickly as it happened, the moment fades into a memory, pocketed in our mind to be retrieved for future flashbacks.

Maybe it's true that we can't really hold on to anything. And maybe it's true that excitements fade as we endure new things. But that doesn't mean we can't enjoy life to its fullest. It doesn't reduce us the ability to be happy, to be proud of ourselves, to honestly announce that we've lived a productive, blessed life. And if you think about it, time carries the weight of a new adventure beneath its wings, just waiting to be experienced.
So when one moment passes, another one is on its way. :)

Be ready.

Amazed

Beautiful One

God loves you.
You mean everything to Him.
He cares about you.

Isn't it amazing how you can hear the same thing over and over again and never tire of it?

Those words carry the weight of heaven and earth in their tiny frames. The limitless breadth of His everlasting, unconditional love still manages to touch my soul and I'm taken back to the cross once again, overwhelmed.

Every time I pay attention to those words, I'm brought to a new place, even if it's one I've been to before. It still feels like a totally new experience.

It doesn't matter that I've heard it a million times in my lifetime. I can't help but be completely amazed at how lyrics can speak to me, even if I've heard the song a thousand times. Maybe it's because the lyrics are about His love, and that's something I can never tire of.

It's like reading your favorite book, with His love flowing lyrically across the pages in the form of words. But unlike the book, His love has no end.

Fear

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?" Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel sure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

-Marianne Williamson-

I'm setting new goals for myself this year.

Some of these goals are intimidating. Some of these goals are things I never considered myself capable of doing. But I want to do them anyway, because I believe I've been sitting in the shadows for far too long, waiting for a change that only I'm capable of constructing.

For so long, I've allowed my fears to bind my strengths and confidence. I've submitted myself to doubts, to complacency, to perfectionism.

I've finally realized that I can't hide from my fears anymore; and there's going to be a time this year when I'll have to really challenge myself to take that leap of faith and step out of my comfort zone.

The thought of it scares me so much right now because I'm still unprepared for such a big challenge. But if I succeed, it will be one of the most remarkable accomplishments in my life.

Right now, I need God more than ever. I need His grace and guidance to bolster me as this intimidating future continues to unravel. In just a few months, my life will be transformed. I'm not ready for such a big transition yet, but hopefully that when the time comes, I'll be fully prepared.

Once a student, always a student

Photo credit: weheartit.com

Whether you're in high school, college, the work field, or anywhere else, you're always a student. When life takes you under its wings, it takes you through different phases. That's how you learn and grow.

Learning doesn't stop after college. It's a lifelong process until your last breath. When you travel, you see the world through a different set of eyes as you try to understand new cultures and places. When you meet new people, you learn about them. When you make mistakes, you learn more about yourself.

I don't think we will ever truly understand the world or ourselves. I think finding out who we are is never going to result in a definite answer because we are never the same person we were yesterday. Our thoughts, feelings and perceptions change all the time.

The more we learn about ourselves, the more we mature.


If things don't make sense now, they might in several years. And if they don't, maybe they aren't meant to. Everything happens for a reason, but not every reason is up to us to comprehend. We don't hold the answer to every event in our lives. The answer always lies in a bigger, more profound being.


The journey of life is a rewarding one, because one day you'll pause and look at the long trail you left behind. And you'll see yourself from a different angle; a refined, polished angle. Just know that this journey of self discovery is worth it.

You've so learned so much about yourself, your relationships, and your beliefs. There is so much more to learn about. So approach everything with an open heart and mind, and let time teach you the rest.

Thank you

Photo credit: weheartit.com

I love mornings like this. Beautiful mornings with prisms of sunlight streaming in through the blinds, bathing my bedroom in golden glory. As I sat up in my cozy bed of various blankets, soft toys and pillows, I closed my eyes and prayed, thanking God for another day filled with grace.

It's been two days since I came back to my quiet apartment in Conway. My roomies are still enjoying their winter break elsewhere, and one of them is returning tonight. Yesterday, I spent all afternoon unpacking my bags and spring cleaning my bedroom. As I went through the contents of my drawers, I found handwritten  cards and letters from my loved ones and I sat on the floor for a good hour or so, reading each and every letter and card written months and years ago.

I love handwritten cards and letters because they are tangible evidence that no matter the distance, love and friendship will always find a way.

Emails and Facebook messages are sweet too, but I personally prefer writing someone a postcard or letter so they can physically hold it in their hands and feel the way I feel when I receive a letter or card in the mail. That joyous feeling when you hold an envelope addressed to you from someone you care about. Yeah, I'm old school like that ;)

So, to the various people who've taken the time to send me postcards, cards, letters and lovely little notes over the years, I want you to know that I'm keeping all of them in my little black box :) I look at them from time to time and I can't keep myself from smiling, thanks to you. Your sweet notes of encouragement, your gentle words of kindness and your loving thoughts never fail to amaze me.

This one goes out to all of you who've kept me going, be it through letters, notes, cards, texts or emails.

THANK YOU.

You cheered me on every time, reminding me that I'd always have your back. 
You laughed along with me even though I'd just cracked the lamest joke on the planet.
You supported me and gave me the confidence I needed to make some of the toughest decisions in my life.
You were there to listen, to understand, to be there as a friend.
You loved me for who I am, even when at times when I couldn't love myself.
You showed me the power of love and friendship, and I knew I was truly blessed.
How could I ask for more, when I have some of the finest friends anyone could ask for?


So, thank you for your time, for your faith in me, and for loving me all the same. 

I love you all and I'm so blessed to have you in my life. :)

Sincerely,
Carissa.

Take a step back and smile.

It's so easy to get our priorities jumbled up in this crazy, twisted world. We're walking a tight rope everyday, hands outstretched like wings to keep us from falling. But we still fall anyway.

This week has been one of the toughest weeks all semester. I didn't get off to a smooth ride this time, but I found my balance after a few weeks of classes and just when I thought I had things under control, I had the carpet pulled from beneath my feet again and I was falling back to where I started.

But I've learned something important:

We can't be perfect all the time.

Perfection is far-fetched. It's overrated. It doesn't exist.

It's an illusion of the ideal dream chased by many. It's the standard by which the world upholds its values these days.

It's nothing but a waste of precious time.

We're humans and we make mistakes. We're overambitious and we're often hard on ourselves. I've been hard on myself all my life.

I rarely gave myself credit for my efforts. I've been chasing this unrealistic dream of succeeding in every aspect of life, secretly knowing I wouldn't have it all. And then I'd wear myself out for not being the best I could be, because I thought I'd failed.

Well, life isn't meant to be a competition, nor is it meant to be a battlefield. It may seem like it, but it's a platform to grow and learn. It's a training ground. And we're lucky to be alive because that means we get another shot at living a fulfilling life, not as perfectionists, but as human beings.

At the end of the day, I think of my accomplishments and I know I'm blessed.

I may not have accomplished much, but I've accomplished enough to make me who I am today.  :)

When you're too busy chasing your goals, you forget to count your blessings. Take a step back and see how far you've come, and be grateful.

Life Is Precious. Here's How To Live It:

"Don't just have career or academic goals. Set goals to give you a balanced, successful life. I use the word balanced before successful. Balanced means ensuring your health, relationships and mental peace are all in good order. There is no point in getting a promotion of the day of your breakup. There is no fun in driving a car if your back hurts. Shopping is not enjoyable if your mind is full of tensions.

Life is one of those races in nursery school where you have to run with a marble in a spoon kept in your mouth. If the marble falls, there is no point coming first. Same is with life where health and relationships are the marble. Your striving is only worth it if there is harmony in your life. Else, you may achieve the success, but this spark, this feeling of being excited and alive, will start to die.

One thing about nurturing the spark - don't take life seriously. Life is not meant to be taken seriously, as we are really temporary here. We are like a pre-paid card with limited validity. If we are lucky, we may last another 50 years. And 50 years is just 2,500 weekends. Do we really need to get so worked up?

It's okay, bunk a few classes, score low in a couple of papers, goof up a few interviews, take leave from work, enjoy with your friends, fall in love, have little fights with your loved ones.
After all, we are people, not programmed devices.

Don't be serious, be sincere."

- Chetan Bhagat -

Forrest Gump

Life's like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

I finally watched Forrest Gump. Well, better late than never, I guess.

It is a beautiful movie emphasizing love, determination and hope. In case you haven't seen it, it's about a man named Forrest Gump who has a below-average IQ of 75. He's not smart, but he has a heart of gold. He is a wonderful storyteller, simple, honest and downright humble. Throughout his years, he's achieved so much and made a huge impact on many. He finally reunites with the love of his life, a pretty blonde named Jenny. This movie is a powerful tearjerker and addresses some of the main struggles in society. Here's the synopsis.

Several things stood out to me:

• Just because you're not the brightest tool in the shed doesn't mean you'll always stay behind.
• Nothing is impossible when you set your mind to it.
• Miracles happen.
• God loves you, and He does answer prayers.
• People always leave because no one is destined to be on earth forever. Hold on to your treasured relationships and be thankful you get to experience love while it lasts.
• There's a season and a reason for everything.
• Life gives you lessons; learn from them.
• You can make an impact on others if you want to.
• Things may not always go the way you want them to, but trust that something good will come out of it.
• Your future is not in front of you; it's within you. Make it happen.
• Strive not only for success, but also for value.
• Stop living in the past, it won't get you anywhere.
• Enjoy what you're doing.

Yes, life is like a box of chocolates and you never know what you're gonna get. Accept it and be grateful that you still have a piece of life to enjoy.

Awesome movie. I'd totally watch it again! :) 

Dare To Dream

Stumbled upon a piece I wrote two years ago and wondered why I never posted it up. Anyway, better late than never ;)

Taken at Pier 39, San Francisco in 2010

When she was little, her mind was clouded with dreams and ambitions. Her aspirations mounted over her little frame, but that didn’t stop her from believing that one day, she would have a dream that would make a big impact in her life and her surroundings. She was only seven when she told her mother, “Mommy, when I grow up, I want to be a doctor.”

  Her mother smiled, registering the innocence in the child’s face and gently asked, “Why do you want to be a doctor?”

  “I want to save people,” the little girl replied. “I want to wear the white coat and operate on people who are sick.”

  “What else would you like to be?” her mother smiled.

  “Maybe one day I’ll become a missionary just like the missionaries at our church,” the girl said as her thoughts were captivated by the group of friendly missionaries who preached about God and did a lot of evangelistic work. “They love to help others. I want to be like them.”

  The mother reached to her side and embraced her daughter in a warm hug with a rush of affection for the young girl. Such big dreams at a tender age.

As the girl grew up, she was exposed to many new things. When she was nine years of age, she learned how to play the piano. It started almost magically as she laid her fingers on the delicate white keys. She picked it up quickly and her teacher told her mother that this young girl had a fine talent for music. The girl enjoyed playing the piano, and pretty soon, decided that she wanted to be a piano teacher when she grew up. Several years later, she became a huge fan of a TV show and suddenly aimed to become an actress. She suppressed the crazy dream within her, afraid to let others know about it. Pretty soon, she forgot about that and moved on to other aspirations. As she advanced into a teenager, she became more fickle-minded. She realized that she wanted a dream that would lead to a bright future, but she couldn’t think of anything that suited her options aside from writing. Ever since she had started off at school, she had developed a passion for writing. She never seemed tired of it. At school, she especially liked English the most and excelled in it above all the other subjects. She used it to her advantage and started writing short stories in her free time. Her friends complimented her work and many of them said the same thing: “You should become an author!”

She continued to write in her free time and writing eventually became a parchment of her thoughts. She would compose songs, poems and stories based on her feelings. Writing was a way she could express herself. It was the mirror to her soul. Then, she decided that she would become an author. But what kind of author? At the end of her high school years, she possessed a new interest for photography. Pictures didn’t look like pictures anymore. Every picture contained a special meaning behind it. Every picture had caused the photographer time, effort and creativity. When she grasped the beauty of photography, she combined it with writing and suddenly an idea struck her: photojournalist! Why hadn’t she thought of that before? It was the art of photography that pleased her and the joy of writing that made her realize her passion.

Passion is the essence of everything in life. Think about it. You can’t have a mutual relationship with no passion. You can’t excel in your studies if you never had the passion to study. Passion opens up doors to other elements like determination, strength, courage, faith, patience and loads more. You can’t have a dream if you’re not passionate over something. Everything requires passion. You’re not giving your best if you’re not passionate about it.

She didn’t just want to write for the sake of writing; she wanted to inspire others through her writing. She hoped that people could relate and connect with her articles. She didn’t want to be remembered as “just another writer”; she wanted them to remember her for being the one who struck a chord within their hearts with her sincerity in the articles. Most importantly, she wanted her readers to feel the connection between the articles from a first-person’s point of view, not from a third-person’s angle. Photojournalism was a good way to express her thoughts and through inspiring others, she knew that she’d achieved the very first dream she had as a child: to help and encourage others from a first-person’s perspective.

So the girl finally came to understand why her dreams had wavered from time to time; from a doctor to a missionary, then from a pianist to a journalist. One day, reality struck her saying, “There are millions of people out there who can write. Out of the millions, probably only ten thousand decide to go on to become a journalist. The others don’t want to face the competition, so they move on to other jobs that assure a guaranteed income. Now, out of the ten thousand, probably only one thousand actually make it big in the world. The others probably end up jobless because the competition in the field of journalism is just too immense. You have to be REALLY good to excel.”

That scared her. The more she thought about it, she began to see the truth between the lines. She knew that she wasn’t the best writer. There were loads of other people out there who could write way better than she could. Who was she, compared to those who had a powerful command of English, an endless vocabulary and flawless grammar? Placing herself beside all those people, she suddenly felt so small. Her dream quivered again and soon, she had left it behind and was looking for a different type of dream – one that would at least land her a job somewhere with a good sum of money.

It never occurred to her until much later that she was turning down her one and only passion, which was writing. If she just walked away from it like that, she would never know what would become of her authenticity. She had to give it a try; take a big risk if she had to, but at least she knew that she was striving for something worth it; her passion. This was her dream and she was never going to let anyone come close to shattering it anymore. Even if she didn’t end up as a renowned photojournalist, or even if she were to end up as something else totally unrelated to journalism, she would have no regrets because at least she’d worked hard to fulfill her aspirations. So what if it didn’t work out? That wouldn’t mark the end of her dreams – she would still continue writing and dreaming that one day, all of it would be totally worth it.

That girl goes by the name Carissa Gan, who was inspired to write this when she woke up one morning and two words just popped into her head: “talent” and “gift”. Can you distinguish between the two and say that they are not the same?

They are NOT the same. All this while, I’d been using them interchangeably. “Gift” is a natural ability that enables you to excel in that certain criteria. Let’s take Drawing for instance. Everyone can draw. But there are some who can draw exceptionally well and they don’t even need to try too hard. It just comes naturally. They’re unable to explain why they’re better at drawing than other people, all they know is that they are passionate about drawing and that simple passion that they have is able to carry them to greater levels and because of that, they’re able to produce a better work of art. A “talent” is when you put your gift into good use. For those people with the flair for drawing, their talent is drawing! Their “gift” would probably be creativity. Without creativity, they wouldn’t have found their talent in drawing.

I believe that there’s a gift or two planted in every soul out there. Some of us might have discovered what our gifts are, and some of us probably haven’t. But gifts can come in a variety of different forms; it doesn’t necessarily have to be musically or artistically inclined. It could be something as simple as being a good listener, or being able to make people double over with laughter at every thing you say. I learned that a gift is something natural and cannot be forced. When probed deeper, a gift is not meant to be used for one’s entertainment or pleasure, but to be shared with others. A gift is a calling. What is yours?


Composed on June 2009

The Journey

She clutches the oversized black tote in her small hand, dragging it with every step she takes. The road ahead is narrow and winded, clouded by a squall of thick, blurry haze. She squints and tries to demystify what lies beyond the grayish blur – how long more until she reaches her destination? She can’t see past the haze. She sighs and pauses in her tracks, her chest rising and falling with each irregular breath she consumes. Sweat has matted her hair to her skin, and she hastily wipes beads of falling sweat with the back of her hand.

That is when she notices the little blisters on her reddened palms, caused by the strain of carrying her large bag. She unzips the tote and peers inside, only to see what she had packed; framed pictures – millions of them. Each picture was bordered by the same dark wood. She shakes her head in disbelief. How could she have packed nothing else but all these framed memories? Are they sufficient to get her through the rest of the journey? Now she understands why the bag feels as heavy as a hundred pounds – there are numerous wooden frames in there; each containing a captured photograph of her past. She stoops and pulls out several frames from the bag, taking time to stare at each of them while allowing memoirs of the past to haunt her mind.

There she was with her best friend from tenth grade, grinning at each other as they lay on their backs upon the lush green grass of her grandfather’s farm. The picture was taken by Grandpa himself, when both the little girls were too busy giggling over a shared secret that they hadn’t really bothered smiling into the camera. She closes her eyes now and tries to think of how close they used to be in Elementary school, and how far apart they are now. It seems like Irony itself is mocking at her right this instant, because her once-upon-a-time best friend, the girl she gossiped rumors with, is now the same girl who created ugly rumors about her.

She doesn’t want to think about Janice anymore. She places the photograph on the dusty road beside her and digs out another picture; this one showing a family of five, smiling brightly into the lens. But as she stares a little longer, she detects a strange look in her father’s eyes – a distant gaze that could be reflected in the painted smiles of her family. She sees herself posing a little awkwardly; a young girl who just passed her fifteenth birthday, smiling faintly.

At one glance, anyone would have assumed that they were a very happy family. But the truth was nested beneath the forced smiles and shrouded eyes; happiness had long vanished from their home. She remembers the nights she spent crying in bed because she had just heard her father slap her mother right outside her bedroom. She had wanted to pack her things and run away and never go back, but she never did it. She couldn’t bring herself to leave.

Today, she is finally on her own. She had been travelling for what seemed like endless days and nights. Her back is aching and her feet are burning with sore blisters. She glances over her shoulder at the road she’s taken; it stretches thousands of miles into the evening sun behind her. She sees her footprints in the dust. Each step has given her a new memory to keep. Her black DSLR hangs around her neck. This is the camera that has produced such quality pictures of her life. Everytime she stopped, she would take a picture of the moment before moving on.

When she turns to see how much further she has to go until she reaches her destination, her heart sinks. The haze hasn’t dissolved much, but she can distinguish the road which appears to be a long, unending thread of brown. She feels al the energy draining from her. Glancing at her bag, filled to the brim with photographs from her DSLR, she knows she isn’t strong enough to carry all those memories for the rest of her journey. The bag has been weighing her down.

It takes her a while before she realizes what she has to do. She can’t quit and go home now. She’s come too far to give it all up. She can’t rewind her past, and just thinking about it dampens her dreams for the future. She hates her history; the one she crafted for the past twenty-two years. It was dotted with bitterness, pain and remorse. There are so many things she wishes she could do, and yet too many things she wishes she could undo.

A tear rolls down her cheek. She wipes it away. Is it worth crying over the past, now that it is behind her? She forces herself back onto her feet. If not for her past, she would not have been who she is today. As the evening breeze whispers around her, she gets a sudden flashback to when she was in History class many years ago, and her teacher was saying, “We are the products of our past.” She used to ponder the meaning of that phrase. Now, she understands what it meant.

Although she agrees with her teacher, that the past shapes the present and the present shapes the future, she is aware of another school of thought forming its way to the front of her mind; we are inventors of our future. We don’t need to be governed by our past. Who we are shouldn’t be because of what we were in the past, but what we want to be for the future.

She smiles as a surge of fresh confidence rushes through he veins. It might be too late to go back and change things, but it’s way too early to quit now. She reaches out to pick up the tote, and then draws her hand back. She decides to leave the black tote behind, because she knows it is pointless facing her new journey with the heavy burden of her past. It is time to let it go.

She inhales a few gulps of air, and continues to walk ahead. The DSLR dangles over her front. She pats her loyal friend fondly and raises it up to take a new shot. As she does so, she whispers, “Let’s make new memories. Don’t run out on film.”

25.05.09

Life’s journey is mapped out for us; all we got to do is live

The Simple Truth

What's the secret to being happy?

Bask in the good moments a little longer.

Focus on your strengths, not weaknesses.

Count your blessings, and keep counting them.

Invest in worthy investments. (eg: shoes, clothes, phones)

Be who you are.

When you're not trying hard to gain others' approval or to be "per-fect", things seem a lot easier.

Happiness comes when you're comfortable in your own skin, because you have a strong sense of who you are and you don't need others to define you.


You're perfect the way you are.

Regrets

I’m 19 years old.

My life hasn’t been smooth-sailing all the time. Like many others, I’ve faced my own problems, dealt with stress, pushed myself through obstacles... and I’m still learning to run this marathon properly.

I’ve had my share of regrets. There were so many things I wished I could change. Regrets burn a hole into your conscience, taunting you about the past. The worst thing about regrets is knowing that you can never take them back.

Out of pride, I refused to settle a minor dispute with a good friend until it turned too sour beyond repair, and our friendship of three years went down the drain just like that. Things were not the same ever since.

I gave my heart to a guy when I was 16, only to have it broken 2 months later. I spent half the year trying to nurse it back.

I wasn't fully prepared for my SAT exam. Therefore, my results were not satisfactory.

I took my first two semesters at college for granted. My CGPA dipped below 3.0 and I spent the next few semesters trying to bring it up.

I have said and done things that brought so much hurt to my parents; and I truly regret that. I may apologize, but I cannot fully erase the pain I’ve caused them.

I turned down good opportunities because I was scared of the changes. Maybe I wasn't sure of my chances. I could've scored something big, but I wouldn't know because I did not step out.

I am not very expressive. Maybe even a little passive. I wished I wasn't.

I thought I had all the time in the world to spare. So I took plenty of things for granted.

I have had 19 years to live. I don’t know how many more years God has in store for me. All I know is that I want to spend the rest of my life trying to live a life without regrets.

Who is to say that regrets are inevitable? That mistakes happen beyond your control? Yes, certain things may be beyond your control; but mistakes are not.

We make mistakes, not knowing that they would end up being mistakes. Mistakes lead to regrets, which were formulated from decisions. Those decisions came from choices. And we made those choices.

And choices come with consequences. Whenever you make one, you gotta be prepared for the consequences. Someone's got to be held responsible.

I don’t see the point in blaming other people for my mistakes. After all, what are they supposed to do about it? And what can they do about it? The only person left to take the burden of the blame is ME. Me, myself and I. Because only I know where I went wrong, and what I have to do about it.

The hardest thing to do when you’ve made a mess is picking things up where you left them.

It’s like piecing a broken vase back together; you know that even after you’ve reconstructed the vase, it won’t look the way it first looked when you bought it from the shop. The cracked lines will serve as a permanent memory of the accident. It’s irreversible.

Okay, I have regretted many things. Who hasn’t?

Like it or not, my past has made me who I am.

I wouldn’t say that I am glad I made those mistakes, but I can’t deny that they served a simple purpose: they taught me new lessons and I will hold on to those lessons for as long as I live.

It may be too late to go back into the past and erase the damage. But it’s never too late to put the damage behind and move forward, and learn from my mistakes so I won’t end up repeating the history I tried so hard to forget.

I cannot promise myself that I’ll be a perfect person, living a perfect life with the perfect decisions.

But I can promise myself that I’ll learn to be more careful, to be not too selfish or too selfless, to be more thoughtful, less fearful, and to live a life with joy.